Thinking of You
by Richess
Summary: Set during The Gift, what Buffy did when she went up the stairs


Untitled Document THINKING OF YOU 

Author: Richess a.k.a. A.N.H. Richards

Summary: Set during The Gift, what Buffy did when she went up the stairs.

Disclaimer: All Characters belong to J. Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and/or Fox Production and etc.

Song: Thinking Of You by Lenny Kravitz from the album 5 (Five) re-released in 1999

Author's notes: Thanks to all the people that have supported me in my fic endeavours they know who they are. : )

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Buffy let Spike's words settle into her consciousness and smiled as she climbed the stairs. She grabbed some clothes for the Buffy-bot and walked past her mothers room where she could hear the radio playing.

Buffy and Dawn hadn't touched their mother's room since her death and for some reason the radio would suddenly turn on and off. Buffy always thought for some reason that it was her mothers spirit, but to night was not the time for that. She needed to concentrate on her sister.

"She feels like she's mine." The words whispered in her ears and she felt the tears in her eyes as she walked into her room. She picked up a picture and smiled, it was the picture of her, her mom and Dawn. She fell to the ground crying, uncontrollably. She was quickly losing everything and everyone. The song on the radio suddenly filtered into her mind.

_Tell me mama is your life a better change?_

_And tell me mama_

_Would you live your life the same or come back_

_And rearrange_

_Tell me mama how is freedom?_

Buffy cried, desperately needing her mother to be there guiding her. Telling her what to do. Ever since the day her mother accepted that she was the Slayer, her life was so much easier without the secretive burdens that being a Slayer carried. But then her mother worried, a lot. All of the stress knowing that any day your daughter can die and that she did die. That her daughter will never have a future. It must have been such a burden for her.

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

_And I'm trying now_

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

Buffy's sobs never drowned out the song it was like it in her head planting deeper seeds of regret in her mind but then she listened to the next verse.

_Tell me mama_

_Are the colours deeper shades_

_And tell me mama are there big brass parades?_

_Does the sun shine night and day?_

_Tell me mama no more sleeping_

_Tell me mama no more weeping_

If Buffy could do nothing else right in her life she was going to protect Dawn for her mother. She made her a promise and she was going to keep it. Buffy stood up defiantly ready to face Glory and then she looked at the picture of her, Dawn and her mother again and Buffy just felt dread wash over her, she wasn't going to win this battle.

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

_And I'm trying now_

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

Buffy smiled as she remembered her mother's words, her face, her smell. When her mother bought her Mr. Gordo. She smiled remembering when her mother brought home Dawn. She remembered her first dance, and her mother's threatening looks to Tyler when she brought him home for dinner. Then she remembered those missing months that she wasted running away to get over her own guilt about Angel, never stopping to think of how her mother would feel after their fight and she curled into a ball of pain, her hands covering her ears to block the song that continued to play loud and clear in her mind.

_Tell me mama is it just the way they say?_

_And tell me mama are you missing me the way_

_That I'm missing you today?_

_Tell me mama can you hear me?_

"I wish you could mommy. I wish you could hear me. God I need you so much." The tears poured from her eyes as she remembered Christmas with the Gang and Dawn. The first time her mother met Angel, made her smile. Hell the first time her mom met Spike made her laugh through her tears. Her mother hitting Spike over the head with an axe, like they were comrades in battle. 

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

_And I'm trying now_

_Oh I'm thinking of you_

_And all the things that you wanted me to be_

"Buffy?"

"Mommy?"

"Buffy, I'm so proud of you. Don't ever think for a moment that I wasn't. Don't ever think that I won't be."

"Mommy?" Buffy looked around the room almost expecting to see her mother but she didn't. She got up slowly and grabbed the clothes. She brought the picture to her lips and gave her mother the goodbye kiss she never had the chance to give before.

* * *

"That look of peace that I have actually frightens me a bit." 

"Don't worry."

"But will they be ok?"

"Of course Buffy. They will survive. They will live because of you." Kendra said smiling.

"Will I get to see them again?" Buffy asked looking at her friends. Her sister. Watching Willow weep, looking at her sisters broken face and Giles looking rather calm and she knew that inside he was dying. Spike's sob broke through Buffy's observations.

Kendra smiled, "Yes, he too will survive."

"He really loved me?" Buffy asked with a mixture of disbelief and sadness.

"He did." Kendra replied.

"But we must go. There is someone waiting to see you."

"Mommy?"

Kendra smiled as she held Buffy's hand and lead her toward the bright blue light, Buffy hesitated for a second.

"They will be fine, Buffy. They loved you too much to give up." Kendra assured her.

"I love you all." Buffy called out her extended family as she walked into the light.

THE END


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